Jon and Kate? Kill me please...

If you're hardcore pro-life or don't have a sense of humor, I don't recommend reading any more of this... don't say I didn't warn you.

So most of you know that I'm pretty vocal about not ever wanting children in the future. Those of you who don't know me, let me give you the run down. I do not enjoy children. I work with kids everyday and adore my job, but I also get to give them back at the end of the day. I'm a decent role model, but I'd be a terrible parent. I'm way to selfish and irresponsible to have a child.

A lot of you don't believe me and say that I'll end up having six or something.
Seriously... just kill me.

Every now and then I will see my friends and their babies and think that I may want one someday. But then I catch a random episode of "Jon and Kate Plus Eight" and it brings me back to my senses and reminds me of how much I hate little children. I'm sure that show isn't intended to make people want to put the phone number of the nearest abortion clinic on their speed dial, but it works for me.

And if that wasn't enough, I caught "True Life: I'm Pregnant" on MTV the other day. That's just gross. I don't know how you women can physically deliver a child and then still want more children in the future. I applaud you.

I joke around a lot about throwing myself down a flight of steps or having a coat hanger ready and waiting in the unfortunate event that I would ever become pregnant. Some of my friends get a good laugh out of it and offer to help, but most people in general are probably pretty offended by this. Especially the ones that already have children of their own. So I've decided that since you don't agree with abortion being an option for me, then you get the pleasure of keeping all of my unwanted children.

Since Jon and Kate are so psychotic and inspired this blog, I will use their family as an example. Why you would have a set of twins and still want to have more children is such a foreign concept to me. On top of that, you figure out that you're having sextuplets your second time around. In my book, that's six really good Christmas presents to pass on to your closest friends.

So I've decided that since I don't want children, eight little bundles of accidental joy are probably in my future as punishment for some horrendous thing I've done in a past life. Or in this life, if we're being honest here. So I'm devising a list of potential parents to take over for me, since I don't want to offend anyone by giving myself a homemade abortion in the bathroom of a bar.

I have a few friends picked out already. Only about three. They've already told me that they would provide a good home for my kids. I don't even care about that... just get them out of my hair.

Beyond that, I'm having problems thinking of willing participants. So I have five prospective children on the way and no parents to take care of them. If you'd like to volunteer to raise my children, please let me know. Please don't make me put them on the side of the road in a cardboard box with "free" written on it like a litter of stray kittens.